Your Story Matters-Segment 9

Your Story Matters!

Memoir Writing Instructor Answers Your Questions

Every life is made up of stories—some are deliriously happy tales, others are devastatingly sad, and our life experiences represent every imaginable kind of emotion in between. We all have family history and life stories, and the sad truth is that if we don’t preserve them, they are permanently gone. There is no rewind. There is no going back to capture them.

Question 9.  There is one period in my past that is so difficult to think about. I lost my dad to cancer and my husband to heart disease within six months. It was the darkest time of my life. I am not sure how to write about it or if I am even able to revisit that deep, dark cavern of memories. Any advice for this situation? 

Answer 9. I am so sorry for your loss. When my dad passed away, I experienced sadness like I had never known. It did not dissipate quickly, so I can only imagine how it was for you to lose two close loved ones in such a short period of time. 

It is a fact of life, however, that sad and tragic events over which we have no control will take place as we travel through this journey. We typically lose friends and family and must deal with the grief associated with that loss. It is the normal cycle of life, though at the time it occurs, it seems anything but normal. 

When an elderly loved one passes, we can usually console ourselves with the fact that they lived a long life. When someone we love who was younger passes, we cannot help but feel that they were taken too soon. Then we remember that it is not up to us. When someone’s time on earth is over is not our decision. It is simply what happened, and we are left to cope with the results. 

Sadly, when such events take place in rapid succession, there is no time to recover before once again facing the mourning process and the intense and present feeling that we may never want to laugh again. Yours was a double whammy, so it is certainly understandable that you were shaken to the core. 

These events are a part of your history, and family members and loved ones may better understand you if they read your story and your feelings about that time of your life. They will have a clearer picture of who you are and where you have been.  

Reflecting on a difficult time in your life may not be at the top of your list of pleasant and desirable activities, but those painful experiences made a definite impact on you. Below is a list of suggestions on how to tackle this situation in your writing. You may find it easier to take it slowly and deal with only one item each time you write. Or perhaps there may be times when your writing is flowing so fruitfully, you continue working through the list. I hope that these ideas are helpful and enable you to share your feelings about this grim period. 

1-Write about pre-illness distinctive characteristics and specific incidents that represent who your loved one was, how he lived his life, what made him special to you and others.  

2-Think about when your loved one first became ill. Write about the initial symptoms, the doctor visits, what type of treatment plan was recommended/selected. How did he react/cope with his diagnosis and subsequent journey? 

3-Were there any humorous incidents that happened during this time? (I realize this sounds almost inappropriate, but if you can think of any, it would be great to share them.) 

4-What was the impact on you and other family members? 

5-Was there an opportunity to share the important conversations with your loved one that you desired? If not, you may choose to write what you wish you could have said or asked him. 

6-Write about the day your loved one passed. Share your feelings as well as the facts. 

7-Write about his funeral service/memorial service and anything significant to you about that day. 

8-What do you miss most about this dear one? 

9-How has your life changed since that difficult time? 

10-If you could advise others who are going through a similar situation, what suggestions can you offer them for coping and moving forward? 

Review what you have written. Consider any other beneficial aspects of the story that you may wish to add. 

Writing about this time in your life could ultimately serve as an emotionally cleansing experience. You may find that returning to that time and digesting your feelings could give you a different perspective, offering you clarity and the opportunity to decide exactly which specifics in these thoughts and stories will make the final cut of your memoir project.

Wishing you the best in your writing journey. Your stories are a priceless legacy!

Mary Anne Benedetto is the owner of A Writer’s Presence, LLC, a writer, speaker, blogger, Certified Lifewriting Instructor, and an affiliate teacher with the The Memoir Network.  Author of 7 Easy Steps to Memoir Writing: Build a Priceless Legacy One Story at a Time!, she offers beneficial tips, hints and critical steps in memoir writing in order to remove the “overwhelmed” factor in memoir projects.

Visit Mary Anne at http://www.awriterspresence.com, 

http://www.maryannebenedetto.blogspot.com,
E-mail: maryabenedetto@gmail.com
Follow Mary Anne:
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Your Story Matters-Segment 5

Your Story Matters!

Memoir Writing Instructor Answers Your Questions

 

Every life is made up of stories—some are deliriously happy tales, others are devastatingly sad, and our life experiences represent every imaginable kind of emotion in between. We all have family history and  life stories, and the sad truth is that if we don’t preserve them, they are permanently gone. There is no rewind. There is no going back to capture them. 

Please enjoy Post #5 in this series.

  

Q5. What if my siblings don’t agree with my stories?

A5. This is a tough one! Everyone has their own unique perspective on what it was like growing up in a particular household. A few years ago, I taught a workshop series that included two sisters and a brother. I had experience with teaching classes where spouses were in attendance, but teaching to adult siblings was very different. As they shared various memories of growing up, one sister finally spoke up and said, “Are you talking about the same house I grew up in?” All three siblings had very different views of their upbringing.

I was teaching a tele-class to a client, and after he had written several stories he decided to allow his sister to read his work-in-progress. He was incredibly proud of what he had accomplished in preserving those childhood memories, but dismayed when his sister said, “I don’t remember it that way at all.”

His question to me was, “Should I change my stories to please my sister?”

I said, “Absolutely not. These are your memories, and if she has a different version, let her write her own stories!”

In my own family, there is a significant age gap between siblings. When my brother was born, I was already fifteen and my sister was twenty years old. My sister and I had grown up with at least some mutual history, but she and my brother never even lived in the same household together. During the time I was growing up, we lived in Southern California. My parents loved exploring different locations on the weekends, and I was privileged to be exposed to car trips throughout California, Arizona, Nevada, Colorado, simply wherever the travel bug bit my parents to go. By the time my brother was born, I think their wanderlust had been exhausted. He did not have that same experience that I vividly recall.

I believe that it also depends on the personality of the individual. Some young people are far more rebellious than others and find themselves in a world of trouble. Their experience will be different than someone who has managed to focus on education, choose good friends with the same goals, has not pushed the behavior envelope and has an interest in making a viable plan for the future.

Spend time gathering your memories and sharing them with future generations. Just remember that they are YOUR personal experiences, so write to the best of YOUR recollection!

Your stories are a priceless legacy!

Mary Anne Benedetto is the owner of A Writer’s Presence, LLC, a writer, speaker, blogger, Certified Lifewriting Instructor, and an affiliate teacher with the The Memoir Network.  Author of  7 Easy Steps to Memoir Writing: Build a Priceless Legacy One Story at a Time!, she offers beneficial tips, hints and critical steps in memoir writing in order to remove the “overwhelmed” factor in memoir projects. 

                                                      

Visit Mary Anne at http://www.awriterspresence.com, http://www.maryannebenedetto.blogspot.com,

E-mail: maryabenedetto@gmail.com

Follow Mary Anne:

http://twitter.com/marybenedetto

http://www.facebook.com/mabenedetto

http://www.linkedin.com/in/maryannebenedetto

http://www.pinterest.com/maryabenedetto/