14 Red Flags That Your Relationship is Tanking!

I asked her what were the obvious “red flags” that she can recall. How did she realize that her relationships were tanking? She said, “First of all, I think a large part of me is SO trusting, I have a hard time seeing someone doing bad things. Looking back, the red flags I saw with my first three husbands were that they started being gone way more than when we were first together. It was the classic ‘I’m working late’ excuse with all three of them. With number four, it was different because his depression completely enveloped him, and it was impossible to stop that slide into such a dark place. He would always use the words, ‘I love you and I’m sorry,’ and I wanted to believe that everything would be okay. It was not okay, and he was living with so many secrets and lies, his own existence overwhelmed him.”

In Dead Flowers for Hollywood, Amanda Sue Rose’s memoir as told to Mary Anne Benedetto, you will see that Amanda Sue married four times and experienced four huge disasters. Her candid story tells it like it is and does not hold back any thoughts and feelings about the paths she traveled.

 I was curious and began asking people this question at dinner parties and on Facebook:

WHAT IS (OR WAS) A BLAZING RED FLAG THAT SHOULD WARN US THAT A RELATIONSHIP IS IN BIG TROUBLE?

•          You find that you have absolutely nothing in common
•          When there is no trust
•          If they are constantly checking their phones for emails at all hours, they are probably on at least one dating site
•          Married people who are opposed to combining any part of their finances. If they want every penny kept separate, they do not want a partnership
•          Selfishness, self-absorption, disregard for the other person’s feelings--It’s all about me syndrome
•          They never accept any responsibility for conflict and always make you feel as if you are at fault
•          Anyone who wants to dominate all of your time and limit your other relationships
•          Puts you second, even though you put them first. There should be an equal need to make one another happy in the daily small things. Severely lopsided relationships become servitude, and that has been abolished for years.
•         You realize that they are continually lying about small, insignificant things. Then they lie about more important things, and they do not even acknowledge when confronted
•          You find yourself always apologizing for something they did
•          They do something irrational and start a big fight, only to act as if nothing happened five minutes later
•          Someone who will not commit
•          They are always getting calls from someone of the opposite sex, and they are obviously uncomfortable and practically whispering into the phone. There should not be anything to hide.
•          When someone is resentful of, or tries to keep you from practicing your chosen faith

 While there must be zillions more red flags, these are just a few to consider! As you read Dead Flowers for Hollywood, see if you pick up on any signs that Amanda Sue missed. What might you have done differently in the same situations? It is easy to judge unless you were right there in her shoes.

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A very special thank you to everyone who offered their personal input for this post. You are all fabulous. See you soon for more on writing and life!

Blessings,

Mary Anne Benedetto,

Author & Speaker

 Visit Mary Anne's website at http://www.awriterspresence.com for links to all purchase formats.

Meeting the Family

Meeting the Family

There is no doubt in my mind that my husband, Fred, was feeling exceedingly apprehensive.  His commitment was actually a gutsy move, considering he had previously been engaged three times and could not bring himself to follow through to the point of saying “I Do” with any of the other ladies to whom he had been betrothed.  Now he had married a young divorcee with a seven-year-old son.  True love must have distanced him from dwelling on the obvious potential future difficulties.

Would his step-son grow to love him?  Would he be able to live as a good role model for this child?  And what about the new in-laws that he would instantly inherit, who lived many miles away in a Southern town, no less, and whom he had yet to meet?  Had he, a confirmed bachelor, made the right decision to marry?  He told everyone that he was only doing this once and that he waited until the right person came along.  Could he adjust to a permanent partnership?

The New York borne and bred native peered out of the window of his company car as he, his new wife, and his young son headed South.  He managed to maneuver through the frantic “bob and weave” traffic along the Washington, D. C. beltways well into their adventurous trip to North Carolina to meet the extended family.

He wondered exactly what his new bride’s Southern family would be like.  Would his new father-in-law  feel that he couldn’t possibly measure up to the expectations he held for his precious daughter this second time around for her?  Her first marriage had not survived, and perhaps her father was wondering if this one was doomed as well.  Would he already have one strike against him just because the other guy couldn’t make her happy?

Her family turned out to be remarkably different from his own, with her only siblings being represented by an older, stuck-in-the-hippie era sister, who was residing in communes all over the world, as well as a significantly younger brother, whose surprise conception currently made him a whopping twelve years old.

Fred was keenly aware that he was entering territory commonly referred to as “The Bible Belt,” and he had already been forewarned that she and her family took the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit very seriously.  Assuming that he should refrain from smoking or swearing, both of which were second nature to him at that time, this visit would require concentration on his part in order to avoid any behavior or language that most people might consider normal, but could cause his new relatives to cringe and find him reprehensible.

His concerns were quickly allayed when his new in-laws greeted him with open arms, warm, genuine smiles, and an assurance that he was sincerely welcomed into the family.  Numerous relatives were introduced to him that week, and he felt certain that he would never retain all of their names—particularly in view of the fact that it was likely that his exposure to them would only be an annual event.

As one of her uncles eyed him curiously, the inquisition began.  Uncle Jack was a stoic character with a dry sense of humor, but their conversation quickly revealed that the two shared the common passion of golf.  At last, Fred could enjoy some communication with someone with whom he could totally relate.  Then in the midst of a lengthy dissertation about the condition of a local golf course, the uncle uttered a word that was less than appropriate!  Whew!! He might be able to relax now after all.  These people were going to be reasonably normal.  The fact was that they were all incredibly friendly and kind, causing him to feel as comfortable as he could possibly feel.  If he could only understand everything they were saying, it would be easier, however.  A waitress at the restaurant where they had stopped for lunch on the road had asked him if he wanted a yeast roll.  He could not determine what she was asking him.  Did she say eastro?  Bistro?  He needed an interpreter for what was supposed to be English.

At the end of the day with the relatives, he knew that he must have made a good impression when the golfing Uncle Jack, enthusiastically puffing away on a big cigar, pulled the new bride aside and said, “Mary, that Fred’s really a nice guy…”  He hesitated for a split second and then added his distinct clarification, “for a Yankee!”  The ultimate compliment from Uncle Jack.

Blessed with an awesome son and daughter-in-law, three amazing grandchildren and the cutest great-grandchild ever, we joyfully celebrate year thirty-six of marriage this year!

Blessings,

Mary Anne Benedetto

Author

 Visit http://www.awriterspresence for links to all formats. Writing our stories builds a bridge from generation to generation!

Locked In by John Huddle

How does an intelligent, educated, reasonable individual get duped into being under the abusive control of a religious cult? It happened to John Huddle, and his book details the journey that led him, his wife and his children to a physical, spiritual and emotional prison where they lived under constant control of the cult’s leaders. 

I was particularly interested in reading his story, Locked In, because this could occur in any family. I know from personal experience because someone very dear to me in our own family was in a cult for many years and may possibly once again be entangled in one at this time. We do not know for certain because she has cut off contact with our entire family with a silence that has now reached a sixteen year anniversary.

Reading John’s story gave me a clearer understanding about the insecurities that the members experience regarding leaving the organization. They are made to feel that they cannot survive the world outside of the affiliation and “protection” of the group. The cult's way is the only way.

John Huddle

While one might think that it would be easy to simply walk away, no one knows the level of brainwashing that occurs in these cult environments unless they have experienced it or have been told about it by someone who lived it. When my loved one was actively involved, she shared with me tales of sleep deprivation and mind control. She was told whom she should marry within the group and blindly obeyed without question.

In most religious cults, Scripture is twisted by the leaders into convenient “rules” that no one can object to, dispute or dismiss. Other members are charged with being watchful to insure that everyone follows the cult policies.

In Locked In, John Huddle exhibited great courage in revealing the details of his own experience in this mysterious realm. A special thank you to him for providing personal insight into this topic that is typically shrouded in secrecy. Many blessings to him!

Happy New Year to all, and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Blessings,

Mary Anne Benedetto

Author/Speaker

 Visit http://www.awriterspresence.com