Your Story Matters!
Memoir Writing Instructor Answers Your
Questions
Every
life is made up of stories—some are deliriously happy tales, others are
devastatingly sad, and our life experiences represent every imaginable kind of
emotion in between. We all have
family history and life stories, and the sad truth is that if we don’t
preserve them, they are permanently gone. There is no rewind. There is no going
back to capture them.
Q6. If I write my memoirs, do I have to tell
EVERYTHING?
A6. Widely varied opinions
proliferate regarding this topic. Some feel that unless we reveal every deep,
dark secret, we are being dishonest, misleading and neglect to unearth
important facts. My personal belief is that we have an inherent right to
privacy and possess the option to choose the details of events of our lives
that we wish to share.
When
discussing memoir writing, I have often been told emphatic comments such as,
“If you aren’t going to tell all, you shouldn’t tell anything,” or “I don’t
write my stories because there are too many negative things that happened in my
life. I don’t want to pass all of that junk along to my grandchildren.” I
simply do not subscribe to the theory that you have to tell everything, or it
is not worth writing. I
believe that one should have the option of selecting what would be beneficial
to share with future generations. Not everyone has led a fairytale life. Who
has not had some difficult experiences—perhaps even some that were devastating?
Is there anyone who never, ever
made a less-than-stellar choice in life…a decision about which they would love
to time travel and have a re-do? Who has not made some major errors in
judgment, but learned from those mistakes?
I do
believe that writing
about those negative events can be very healing,
but whether or not to actually share them is your personal decision. My suggestion is in writing memoirs, do no
harm to others who are living (unless they give written permission). This is
for ethical as well as legal reasons. Why not try to share stories that will benefit future generations in
knowing who your parents and grandparents were and what life was like as you
were growing up, maturing and making life choices? Give them some positive
aspects about your life, or certainly you may want to describe how a negative
situation evolved into a positive, how you overcame certain difficult
circumstances, providing valuable life lessons and offering encouragement to
others.
Regarding
people who insist on writing negative stories about family members or
others, I do not think that they ever
stop to realize that they are looking at the stories solely from their own perspectives. The people they
are maligning do not have the opportunity to tell their side of the story, they
have no way to defend themselves (particularly if they are deceased) and we all
know that there are normally two sides. We do not always understand what makes
one person gregarious and upbeat versus what another person has endured that
makes them miserable, cantankerous
and difficult to deal with. Exception-in the case of physical or sexual abuse,
there is no defense unless the perpetrator was completely mentally incapable of
discerning right from wrong.
I
always suggest writing whatever memories may enter your mind, get it off your
chest, and then put it aside for awhile. Return to it with fresh eyes and a clean
heart, and then decide if this particular story is one that you really want included
in your written legacy.
I
love this quote from Marjane Satrapi in Persepolis: The Story of a
Childhood
: “In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that
it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their
cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always
keep your dignity and be true to yourself.”
So
my personal advice is that if you are seeking revenge on a despicable ex-spouse
or an impossible mother-in-law via your memoirs, think long and hard about it. You
could pray about it. You may want to consider forgiveness instead, because as
difficult as it may be, forgiveness does not condone bad behavior, but it frees you from carrying the burden of bitterness.
Write it all.
Then review and decide which stories make the final cut in your memoir project.
This is my personal opinion, and not everyone will agree.
Just
remember--your stories are a priceless legacy!
Mary Anne Benedetto is the owner of A Writer’s
Presence, LLC, a writer, speaker, blogger, Certified Lifewriting Instructor, and
an affiliate teacher with the The Memoir Network. Author of 7 Easy
Steps to Memoir Writing: Build a Priceless Legacy One Story at a Time!, she
offers beneficial tips, hints and critical steps in memoir writing in order to
remove the “overwhelmed” factor in memoir projects.
E-mail: maryabenedetto@gmail.com
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